In Sleep
by BluePard
Summary: Silly spamfic from the Space, Time and Death reality, but is not to be taken as a part of that series.


"Unpinned by even rudimentary ideas of time and space, dreams float or flash by, leaving in their wake trails of unease, hopes, fears and anxieties."  
--Stephen Brook  
  
  
They were used to fighting giant monsters. Dinosaurs, robots, giant porcupines. They were not, however, used to evangelists.  
  
"Donate your gold to the temple of Robo!"  
  
"Have you heard about our Seven Deadly Sins plan?"  
  
"Only 10,000,000 gold to fix a broken soul!"  
  
"Gah! I would rather t'were Naga-ettes!" said Frog, hopping into the Epoch a little too quickly and finding the rest of the gang piled on top of him.  
  
"Sometimes the future is better left unchanged." said Crono philosophically from somewhere in the pile.  
  
Lucca tried to set the time dial, but couldn't reach. The Robo-ites tapped rhythmically on the cockpit's glass in time to their chanting, ignoring those pressed up against the inside of it.  
  
"Epoch, get us somewhere SAFE!" panted Lucca desperately.  
  
The chanting stopped. There was a reverse flash--a sudden absence of light. They slowly separated themselves, trodding on each other in the process. The beginnings of arguments were halted by weight of the immense depths around them. They quickly turned to the only source of light.  
  
It was a young boy, winged and blonde, of about seventeen if Crono was any gauge. He was smiling benevolently.  
  
Crono knit his red eyebrows. "…an angel?"  
  
"We dead?" said Ayla.  
  
"Time gauge readings unintelligible. Location unknown." Robo said. "Detecting immense power from unknown being--but none from anyone else."  
  
"I don't want to be dead!" said Marle.  
  
"Uh, you're not." The angel spoke in a voice exactly unlike gold--gold being heavy and flashy. "You said to take you somewhere safe--this was the first thing I thought of." He shrugged. "You were smudging my glass."  
  
Lucca adjusted her glasses. "You're... Epoch?"  
  
He smiled.  
  
There seemed to be six more figures surrounding them now, each not a source of light, per se--but the light shone on only they, spreading outward to include them all.  
  
"At least I recognize the one." Magus glanced at a violet-haired girl wearing purple, rather Zealian clothes, her hair tied up high into a pony tail and a trouble-making look on her face..  
  
"I'm amazed you remember me! You were only five years old at the time." She grinned.  
  
"You make an impression."  
  
Lucca muttered to herself. "Epoch's cute.."  
  
Magus' glance settled on each of the others. "These are the rest of the dreams?"  
  
"Always the quick student!"  
  
"Always the suck up..."   
  
The green-haired lad with the big mouth was quickly fried to the consistancy of charcoal.  
  
"That's Masa." She pointed to the campfire look-a-like figure smelling slightly of tulips and burning garden hose. "Mune next to him. As Janus-sama knows, I'm Alfador. That's Doreen," She pointed to the other girl, dark-skinned and silver-haired. "That's Kah Ray," Her finger rested on a dark-haired, sullent figure. "--and that's Trigger." She gestured to a long-haired infant on the ground, sucking at a pacifier.  
  
"You're Alfador?" said Crono. "The cat, Alfador?!"  
  
"Lady no look like cat. Purple, but no cat." said Ayla.  
  
"You're trying to tell us," Marle interrupted, "That we've been riding around in that guy all this time?!"  
  
Epoch blushed. "Ah, I'm... just an object at the time. It's not like I enjoy it."  
  
"So he tells YOU." said Alfador. "To us it's all 'Man, I can sure pick up chicks.'"  
  
"Nevermind the stuff about his cockpit." muttered Kah Ray darkly.   
  
Epoch wandered off to sulk.  
  
Frog examined the darkness. "What be this music? Where doth it origin?"  
  
"It's Particle Man by They Might Be Giants." Doreen grinned and started dancing around on one foot, singing with the music.  
  
"Doreen found it," said Masa, reforming.  
  
"--and SHE put it on permanent loop!" Mune pointed accusingly at Alfador.  
  
Lucca shrugged. "I can see how it would get annoying. Why not just turn it off?"  
  
"We can't! We don't know how to work the sound system!" said Masa.  
  
"Feminist jerks." added Mune.  
  
"I happen to like it." said Alfador, looking dignified. "It's applicable to the whole of human existance."  
  
"In battles between men, there is one unchanging rule," said Doreen. "The ugly macho guy absolutely can never defeat the handsome, smart, popular main character--except as comic relief." Then she went back to singing.  
  
Okane man  
Okane man  
Okane man hates Nakago man  
They have a fight, Okane wins  
Okane man  
  
The others fell silent a moment, trying to translate Doreen's singing.  
  
"Ignore her, she never makes sense." said Kah Ray from his bowlegged position on the floor.  
  
"Well, that's the Epoch, the Masamune and our local mystical cat guide..." Lucca adjusted her glasses. "What are the rest of you?"  
  
Trickster Priest man  
Trickster Priest man  
Trickster Priest man hates Mazoku man  
They have a fight, Trickster Priest wins  
Trickster Priest man...?  
  
"Doreen's your pendant." supplied Masa.  
  
"Kah Ray's the black omen." added Mune.  
  
"Trigger's... uh..." Masa glanced down at the infant.  
  
"--never been the same since Crono was revived." said Mune.  
  
"That's the Chrono Trigger?!" Marle bend over and patted the little brown-haired creature lightly on the head. He drooled on her.  
  
Crono's face fell slightly. "My being brought back did that to him...?"  
  
"Well, he was broken, you see," said Masa.  
  
G Gundam boys  
G Gundam boys  
G Gundam boys hate Alliance and Oz  
They have a fight, nobody wins  
Doesn't that suck?  
  
"--Like us." said Mune. "We can't be killed unless our owners--"  
  
"--believers or dreamers--" said Masa.  
  
"--are killed or stop believing." said Mune.  
  
"But if we're broken," said Masa.  
  
"We can only manifest the power of the largest piece," said Mune.  
  
"And he's in lots of little pieces." said Masa. "Before, when you saw us in human form--"  
  
"We were just kids," said Mune.  
  
"Because we'd been broken in half." said Masa.  
  
"Yeah." said Mune, "Still kinda mad at Janus for that one."  
  
Hameln man  
Hameln man  
Hameln man hates not knowing stuff  
They have a fight, nobody cares  
They ain't seen the show...  
  
He glared at them, like the paralyzing gaze of red-tinted headlights. "It's Magus."  
  
Doreen stopped singing a moment. "It'll always be Jacky-chan to us."   
  
As usual, no one had the slightest idea what that meant.  
  
Frog had been standing with his Brave Sword drawn on Kah Ray for some while now--his Masamune having dissappeared for obvious reasons. His eyes narrowed.  
  
"This be the Black Omen that hangeth over the sky? Then why dost thou ignore it? Why not confront it!"  
  
"Bugger off, toadstool." said Kah Ray, not looking up.  
  
"You'll only hurt yourself, Glenn-sama," said Alfador. "No one can use magical powers in Sleep, and even we dreams can only use normal abilities, like shape-shifting, not our special, individual powers."  
  
"Then why not handle him thyself?" asked Frog. "Together thou must have more strength than he."  
  
"He is our brother," said Masa uncomfortably.  
  
"--even if he is a jerk." added Mune.  
  
Doreen gal  
Doreen gal  
Doreen gal hates Marle gal  
She sends her off, to the mid-ages  
Doreen gal  
  
"Most of our siblings are jerks." said Masa.  
  
They both suddenly lay in a pile of ashes on the floor. Alfador held a look of feline innocence.  
  
"For." said Mune.  
  
"Example." said Masa.  
  
"This." said Mune.  
  
"They're always like this." muttered Kah Ray. "Every time one says something, the other has to agree."  
  
"That isn't true!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
They paused.  
  
"Err...." they said simultaneously.  
  
"Hey--!" said Marle, finally catching on to the singing in the background. "What do you mean, you did that on PURPOSE?!"  
  
Marle gal  
Marle gal  
Marle gal hates Doreen gal  
Doreen don't care, she flips her off  
Doreen gal  
  
Marle fumed.  
  
"Uh... she misses Schala." said Alfador. She shrugged.  
  
"This is getting us nowhere," said Robo. "Now that Alfador may talk, why don't we plan our next move?"  
  
"Well," said Alfador. "I can't gather any information while in Sleep, but I was planning to lead you to Guardia Castle next, to pick up the rainbow shell..."  
  
Amphibian man  
Amphibian man  
Amphibian man hates Magus man  
They have a fight, Amphibian wins  
Amphibian man  
  
Everyone was now paying attention to what Doreen was singing again, and they made a face. Magus's, for example, was not amused.  
  
"Don't look at me. Alfador came up with it." Doreen said.  
  
"I did NOT!"  
  
"Ohhh....?" Doreen whipped out a tape recorder and hit play.  
  
"...hates Amphibian man--"  
  
"GAH! Give me that!" Alfador jumped at Doreen.  
  
They watched for a moment.  
  
"At least Lady Alfador hast a better singing voice..." said Frog.  
  
Magus just watched quietly a moment. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Cat fight" he said to himself.  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Doreen and Alfador yelled in unision, like Masa and Mune but louder, more high-pitched and more threatening.  
  
"Truce!" called Alfador, holding out a hand.  
  
"Porre!" called Doreen, shaking it.  
  
With that, they jumped Magus. Magus' eyes almost seemed to widen a little in surprise before he was enveloped in a dust cloud of activity, probably a result of Doreen's watching too many cartoons.  
  
Epoch came back to watch them beat Magus--well, to watch Doreen beat Magus, Alfador was just braiding his hair. Frog finally lowered the sword he was waving at a brooding Kah Ray, though he muttered something about his being too much like Magus.  
  
"I'll take that as an insult." muttered Kah Ray.  
  
Doreen and Alfador, eldest and second eldest, stepped away to reveal their masterpiece. Doreen was wearing Magus' cape (and had changed her outfit to match), and Alfador pulled a full length mirror out of nowhere to show Magus' new 'do off to him, then ran like hell to stand behind the person Magus was least likely to blow up. She decided on Epoch.  
  
Magus stared at himself a moment.  
  
"YOU--!" He turned to Doreen, mouth agape and fangs showing, eyes burning, his cute little braided locks swirling behind him. She kissed him on the nose.  
  
He wiped it off on the back of his glove. "Alfador--!"  
  
She was no where to be seen. Frog, however, appeared a bit hunch-backed... Magus marched over to him, lifted his cape and pulled the cat out from under it.  
  
She hung in the air by the scruff of her neck for a moment, making what would best be described as an "uh" noise.  
  
"Uh.... meow?"  
  
"I love cats," said Doreen. "Especially as catsup."  
  
"Mrowling mrowl meow..." muttered Alfador.  
  
"Eh?! Whuz you say?!" Doreen lept at Alfador, barreling into Magus instead.  
  
In the resulting five seconds, despite having a near-endless expanse to run amok in, she managed to damage every one of her siblings but Masa and Mune, who hadn't reformed themselves yet, and Trigger, whom she tripped over and was promptly drooled upon.  
  
Alfador put a paw to her face and stuck out her cute lil pink tongue. "Beda!" she said, but in feline. In any case, the jist was apparent.  
  
"...everybody picks on me..." said Kah Ray from where he was lying, burnt and wet.  
  
"DIE, KITTY!!!"  
  
"...just ignoooooore mee..."  
  
"Mrowly mrowly meow meow!"  
  
"...jus' 'cause o' Lavos..."  
  
"We shall make beautiful music togeTHAAAR!!"  
  
"...like it's my fault..."  
  
Alfador crossed her eyes, wagged her tail and and made other obscene cat gestures.  
  
"...step on my face agin', why don'tcha..."  
  
"Here's one life--" *WHACK*  
  
"...y'think I like killin' people, no..."  
  
Alfador danced, managing to dodge everything in a really annoying feline fashion.  
  
"...Masa and Mune kill lots of people..."  
  
"Here's two--" *WHACK*  
  
"...but everyone's like, 'oh, how great, I wanna sword like that'..."  
  
Alfador managed to trip Doreen up on Trigger's long hair again.  
  
"...but they don't choose their masters either...!"  
  
"Here's here's forty-two and some t'grow on--" *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK*  
  
"...no one does, 'm jus' doin' my job an'... an'..."  
  
Doreen halted a moment, not seeing the cat anywhere. After a moment, she looked up and found Alfador, human form, sitting on the end of her mallet.  
  
"...an'...an'..." *hiccup*  
  
"Methinks we hast perturbed the child." said Alfador.  
  
"Methinks youse right." Doreen shrugged and shook her off the mallet.  
  
"Aw, it's okay, Kah Ray..." Marle patted him on the shoulder, discreetly wiping off Trigger's crazy glue drool in the process. "I'm sure it's not your fault..."  
  
"It's not! Everyone just does what they're told! We can't help it!"  
  
Marle soothed him a bit.  
  
"..." said Masa.  
  
"Wuss." said Mune. Masa elbowed him.  
  
"Now, come on! He's your brother!" Marle put her hand on her hips.  
  
"Well, it's true he can't help it..." Alfador knit her fine violet brows a little.  
  
"Aw, it's okay, Kah Ray." said Doreen. "You can kill them off, we won't mind."  
  
"I can?!" Kah Ray brightened, glancing at Crono and Co.  
  
"NoyouCAN'T!!!" Alfador whacked him over the head before he could try.  
  
Marle didn't look so sympathetic anymore. "Is there any ONE of you who isn't MAD?!"  
  
They glanced around.  
  
"Well, I--" said Epoch.  
  
"You wot, WoT?" said Doreen innocently.  
  
"Don't call me Wot!!!!!"  
  
"..." said Marle. "No one who speaks with that many exclamation points can be sane."  
  
"We're pretty--" said Masa.  
  
"--stable if--" said Mune.  
  
"--you don't count--" said Masa.  
  
"--the speech impediment." said Mune.  
  
Trigger drooled and giggled. The rest didn't even bother denying it.  
  
"Why on EARTH did you stupid Zealians create these idiots anyway?!" said Marle, fuming up to Magus, who ignored her in favor of trying to unknot his hair.  
  
"We're fun at parties!" said Alfador.  
  
"Liquor for everyone!" said Doreen, bringing out an indeterminable amount of scotch. "Especially the underaged!"  
  
And so, Crono-tachi got wasted and many frightfully obscene things happened which I will not write about, but you feel free to fantasize about. And they all lived happily ever after, but with many deep emotional scars and a few buns in the oven.  
  
  
THE END (At last!) 


End file.
